you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
