No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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