i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
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