AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
