id be glad to
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
