Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
weddingsv make me drug and hornr
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
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