We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
my penis made a compromise with my morals
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
