I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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