i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
