Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
