I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
