I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
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