I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
