He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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