I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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