Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
