yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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