No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Randomize
