Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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