the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
The ass gains better be worth it
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