that's an acceptable place to lick
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
