My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
