Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
