need another drink. this is the easiest way
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
