My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Randomize
