I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Your cock deserves a montage
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize