he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Randomize
