I feel like I'm in dance class right now
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Every concussion has its silver lining
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
