Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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