I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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