Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
