I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
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