You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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