You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
