i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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