woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
