y did u give ur computer a hand job?
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Randomize
