I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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