So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
