Just fell off a train. Bad.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
