She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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