He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
