Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Houston, we have a blender
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
