I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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