I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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