dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
