I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize