If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize