i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
