I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Let's paint friendship bongs
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
