i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
