you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
