At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
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