Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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