so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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