She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize