I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
We named our party play list daddy issues
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
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