My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Randomize
