I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
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