i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
