also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
