this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
