Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize